I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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