I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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