dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
