Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
