Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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