I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I didn't notice because vodka
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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