Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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