Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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