I could have mohawked her pubes.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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