so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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