i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
