im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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