Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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