insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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