I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
