Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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