At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize