dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
