After last night, I could never be a politician.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Boobs speak an international language.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
