After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Randomize
