3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
