i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I want a musical about memes.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
