...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
