no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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