I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
