I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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