I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
