I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
