1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
