She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
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Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
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I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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