...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
