I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
