Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
