Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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