He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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