can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The best revenge is premature balding
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
