The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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