Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The Olympian is in my bed
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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