I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Randomize
