I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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