I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
