Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
