The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
