Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
