So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
They should really pass out barf bags in church
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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