saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
