I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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