Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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