if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
