i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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