I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
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You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
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the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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