alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
