Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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