I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
