Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
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I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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