I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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